WEEK 9 THE FINALE - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

The Bachelor 2013 finale aired Monday, March 11. As expected, it answered a few questions for Bachelor Nation. Who wrote the letter? Will Sean pick the girl who's less attractive and doesn't sleep naked?

Catherine the disgusting meets Sean's family - Gross. 

Lindsay, sleeps naked, meets Sean's family - Lindsay hits it off with the fam as expected.  She's also wearing this short dress showing off her smokin hot legs.  When she goes to meet Sean's dad, she's barefoot... and I gotta tell ya, there is nothing better than a hot chick barefoot.  She's just all the closer to being naked.

Final date with Lindsay, sleeps naked - Sean and Lindsay took a shitty raft down some awful river or some shit.  Lindsay was wearing the shortest pink little shorts and her nails matched.  Unbelievably hot.  Later in the evening, Sean and Lindsay wrote wishes on lanterns and sent them up into the sky.

Final date with Catherine the disgusting - Gross.

The End for One, a Proposal for Another - Shockingly, Sean says goodbye to Lindsay. The most shocking part is what he said, "I love you. That's the hardest part. I love you." After that, we finally find out who sent Sean the letter that Chris Harrison delivers, which has been driving people crazy in previews for weeks. The letter turns out to be a romantic gesture from Catherine, playing on the fact that they've exchanged notes throughout the season. After Catherine the disgusting accepts Sean's proposal, they ride off into the sunset... on an elephant... which somehow seems fitting because of how vile Catherine is. Gross.

After the Final Rose - During the After the Final Rose episode, Sean announced they plan to have their wedding aired on ABC later this year.

And the next Bachelorette is... Chris Harrison announced Desiree will be the next Bachelorette and the show will air this summer. I find this to be good news as Desiree was one of the frontrunners with Sean for a while.

So will it last? As sincere as Sean and Catherine look, I'd like to think that they will go through with a wedding.  But let's be honest.  Anyone who looks like Sean can't have time for anyone else.  He has to be in the gym 6 hours a day  and is completely obsessed with himself.  A now he's used to hearing every girl in American beg him to take his shirt off.  Although he is a self proclaimed Christian virgin, it's only a matter of time before he fucks up or Catherine gets tired of him.  Or it's a matter of time before Sean realizes how truly disgusting Catherine is and he kills himself for letting go of Lindsay who would have fucked him every night like a porn star.

WEEK 8 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Sean brings his remaining three chicks to Sikao, Thailand in hopes that they will all say yes to the overnight fantasy suite card so that he can "talk" to them without cameras.  

Date #1: Lindsay, sleeps naked

Once again Sean puts his date in danger by taking her to a shitty food market where the locals get their produce.  All I remember seeing was fried insects and... well it all pretty much looked like garbage.  People go there to buy garbage apparently.  The people running the stands were disappointed that the cameras were on because they would have gladly raped and impregnated the pretty American girl, locked her up in their basement and videotaped the birth in hopes to fulfill their dreams of making newborn porn.  Is it obvious that I'm not a fan of traveling?  Later on the beach we get to see Lindsay's perfect, tan, 24 year old body in a bikini.  I think they were feeding monkeys, swimming and eating dinner while some Thailanders danced but who the hell knows.  I was busy masturbating.  Sean mentioned multiple times that she was his best friend, which could turn out to be extremely awkward if he doesn't pick her in the end.  Lindsay said yes to the fantasy suite card and made sure to tell Sean that she loves him which at this point in the game, is a crucial move.  I wonder if she slept naked...

Date #2: AshLee, with two capital letters in her name

Sean tests AshLee's trust issues by making her swim through a cave in order to get to their private beach.  It honestly sounds like Sean has more control issues than AshLee has trust issues.  Either way, we get to see AshLee in a bikini and I have to say, I never noticed her body in previous episodes and it was fantastic.  I mean her breasts are just distracting.  Sean explains how he wants his wife to be able to trust him in certain situations.  Well what if AshLee is looking for a husband that would never put her in harm's way?  Stupid move on Sean's part if you ask me but after all, this is a TV show and they need drama whether fabricated or not.  They continue on this journey together through the cave not knowing if they're going the right way... not knowing if they will ever make it.  And that's how life is sometimes.  And in the middle of this meaningful metaphor I'm wondering, will they get a chance to shower later or will their genitals smell and taste like dirty cave water all day?  Maybe their genitals will be fresher because of it.  Who knows.  I don't travel.  AshLee said yes to the fantasy suite after making sure that no funny business will be going on.  Sean said they are on the same page... right.  Sean would have to be completely gay to not want to see those fun bags again. 

Date #3: Catherine the disgusting

While sailing around on some big boat or some shit, there was a scene where Catherine was explaining to Sean that she has a serious side and isn't goofy 100% of the time.  In this moment, Catherine actually looked attractive.  I started questioning how harsh I've been towards her.  After accepting the fantasy suite card, Catherine explained how she used to be picked on about overeating and other things and I actually began to feel bad about making fun of her.  But then they showed her smiling and giggling and I was once again consumed with thoughts of peeling the flesh off of live baby kittens with a potato peeler so that I'd have a more pleasant visual in my head than her dopey face.  It's now obvious that it's her happiness that makes her unattractive.   

Rose Ceremony:

The next morning, Sean has some clarity about who's going home. He's got strong feelings for the woman he's chosen and he knows she cares about him as well, but too bad. Sean sits down with Chris to discuss how this week was toughest for him last season with Emily on The Bachelorette. He knows this is a really hurtful period, but there's nothing he can really do about it.

Sean tells the women that they all mean a lot to him and that his decision was a hard one before handing out the first rose, which goes to Lindsay... probably because she slept naked. There's only one left, and it goes to Catherine, meaning AshLee is out... probably because she didn't sleep with Sean at all.  She looks absolutely furious. Sean goes to walk her out as she marches off without saying goodbye.

Who’s Left:

1. Catherine the disgusting
2. Lindsay, sleeps naked

Sent Home:

1. AshLee

Next week is The Women Tell All which should be fantastic because we get to watch everyone rag on Tierra.  And in two weeks we have the last episode along with After The Final Rose. 

WEEK 7 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Home town dates were this week!  The final four bachelorettes, AshLee, Lindsay, Catherine, and Desiree all welcomed him with open arms. Their families all had mixed reactions.

Date #1: AshLee

AshLee, with two capital letters in her name, takes Sean to her home town of Houston, TX.  During dinner her dad, who is a pastor like Sean’s dad, told the story of how they adopted AshLee at the age of 4 after being passed from home to home and it was pretty damn touching.  She’s fallen really hard.  With her already present abandonment issues, if Sean doesn’t pick her in the end, I predict suicide.

Date #2: Catherine the disgusting

Catherine the disgusting takes Sean to her hometown of Seattle, WA.  She makes him do a bunch of annoying shit like catch fish in some scary random seafood market.  They took goofy pictures in a photo booth, tried out a love-tester machine, and danced to some homeless guy playing a shitty banjo.  I pretty much wanted to punch her in the face the entire time but mostly because her face looks like God threw up on it and her parents passed the appropriate date on when to get an abortion.  Had her parents known that she would turn out this way, they probably would have spent a little more time with clothes hangers. 

Finally Sean meets the family and specifically, her sisters.  I honestly thought that Catherine would look like the leftover afterbirth compared to her siblings but they might have been more disgusting than Catherine.  Plus, they were cunts.  It was very difficult to watch this segment and not vomit up cream cheese and Doritos.  The sisters end up telling Sean all kinds of horrible things about their sister, as if not realizing that Catherine will eventually see this on TV and want to light their thick, coarse, greasy pubic hair on fire afterward.  Sean leaves confused which only gives me hope. 

Date #3: Lindsay, sleeps naked

Sean visited army brat Lindsay and her family in Fort Leonard Wood, MO.  Before meeting the family, Lindsay makes Sean dress in fatigues and commands him to do push-ups and sit-ups.  This would have been one of the most ridiculous things ever until we see Lindsay holding Sean’s feet during his sit-ups and when he comes up, he kisses her.  Then Lindsay yells, “Kiss me harder!” … yeah, I got chills.  God dammit she just knows what to say, that sexy little minx.  Her dad on the other hand is a two-star army general and we have to put up with his obsession of proving that he has testosterone with his multiple American flags outside, guns on the wall, and American flag pillows on the couch.  Yeah dude, we get it.  You have control issues and a small penis.  Sorry that I don’t need guns on my walls and flag pillows to take the attention away from my miniscule genitalia… I play in a rock band to do that. 

Anyway, dad gives his blessing and before Sean leaves, Lindsay tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him… but she says it in this cutesy, little girl voice, which is so fucking hot.  That’s right, and she sleeps naked.  If he picks her in the end, he is days away from having her lay beside him completely naked at night.  Let’s say, she’s reading a book.  All Sean has to do is slowly glide his hand toward her side of the bed until it brushes up against her bare skin, then make it’s way over her flat belly and down her perfectly shaved body until reaching her quivering and awaiting forbidden fruit.  With nothing more than a teasing, delicate glide around the outside, Lindsay has no choice but to clench her eyes tight, drop her book and open her legs to Sean.  He continues while slowly leaning toward her and gently kisses her neck sending chills down her body, and he knows what he did.  He feels the goose bumps beneath his lips with every touch from her ear lobe to her shoulder.  The once innocent glide of his left hand turns to firm pressure and he knows his goal is at hand… the goal of hearing her moan in that little-girl voice… So yeah, the date went well.   

Date #4: Desiree

In Los Angeles, CA, someone comes to the door professing his love to Desiree.  Before Sean knocks him out, Desiree lets Sean know that it was a joke and she hired an actor, which was payback for the prank he pulled on her involving broken priceless art.  Sean meets her parents and I gotta say, if her mom is any indication of what Des will look like in the future, Sean should leave now.  That woman was a train wreck.  So Desiree talks to her brother who has nothing but negative things to say and that’s when I figured it out!  The brother is jealous!  He wants to be the only guy to slide it deep into his sister!  He later tells Sean that he thinks he’s a playboy and doesn’t think that Sean feels anything for his sister (like he does) which pisses Sean off but he keeps his cool.   

Rose Ceremony:

Sean struggles with which chick has the worse family, Desiree or Catherine.  To my surprise, he sent Desiree home.  Now we have to watch another episode with God’s mistake, Catherine.

Who’s Left:

1. AshLee
2. Catherine the disgusting
3. Lindsay, sleeps naked

Sent Home

1. Desiree

Next week, Sean and the final three bachelorettes head to Thailand for their overnight dates.  I can’t imagine Sean will actually do anything because he’s still pretending to be Christian.  Don't miss ABC's “The Bachelor” tomorrow night when “Sean Tells All” airs.

WEEK 6 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

This week Sean takes the whores to the St. Croix sandy beaches, the finest in the Virgin Islands… which is ironic considering there isn’t one virgin hole on the girls he brought.

Date #1: AshLee

AshLee, with two capital letters in her name, is honest about Tierra the Tierrible Tierrorist… and Sean is thankful for her honest opinion????  What the hell?  Anyone else who has tried to warn him about Tierra, he scolded them for wasting their time by talking about her and sent them home!  AshLee was brave to give him an honest answer knowing how he’s reacted to others.  Sean’s positive response was just confusing and keeping her around is even more confusing because of her unattractiveness.   

At dinner, AshLee made some huge deal out of getting married as a Junior in high school and divorced as a Senior.  Sean didn’t give a shit.  She really thought it’d be a big deal.  No one cares.  

Date #2: Tierra the Tierrible Tierrorist

Sean and Tierra walked the streets of some 3rd world country or some shit.  Random parades were going on, because that’s what happens in scary movies.  I don’t know how they weren’t brutally raped and murdered.  Tierra thought Sean was distant and later blamed AshLee for it and possibly justifiably so.  But yeah, I’m pretty sure if they didn’t have cameras on them they would have been anally raped by the natives. 

Group Date: Catherine, Lindsay, Desiree

They went on some lame date involving a sunrise and sunset in which they couldn’t actually see.  Who cares.  They were in bikinis most of the time and that’s most important.  Lindsay gets the rose because she’s freakin hot and obviously looks the best in her bikini.  The date started with Sean waking the girls up and you hear Lindsay scream that she’s naked.  That’s right.  Let’s not forget when Lindsay told Sean that she sleeps naked.  Never question why this girl ever gets a rose and don’t be surprised when she wins the whole thing.  Naked.

Date #3 Lesley

Lesley runs up to Sean and in her voiceover she says, “Sean makes me warm up inside,” which translates to “My vagina starts dripping every time I see Sean.  The amount of secretion is overbearing sometimes and I have to ring out my panties into a glass.”  Why a glass you ask?  Only Lesley could answer that… that sick, sick, dirty girl.

Sean hangs out with his sister

The editors do a great job of merging the footage of Tierra confronting AshLee about sabotaging their date and Sean talking to his sister about whether or not Tierra is best to keep around.  Best quote of the show was Tierra saying, “I can’t control my eyebrows!”  She is just fantastic.  Well Sean goes into the house in hopes to have Tierra meet his sister but it’s right in the middle of her meltdown.  Sean sends her home because he finally realizes she’s out of her fucking mind.  I’m sure past Bachelor Ben wishes he would have done the same with Courtney.

On a side note, Sean's sister is kinda hot.  It would have been cool if he made-out with her.

Later in the evening, Sean requests that they skip the cocktail party, and he sends home Lesley because he feels their relationship is not where it ‘should be’ at this point.  This came as a complete shock merely because of how disgusting Catherine looks.

Who’s left for hometown dates:

1. AshLee
2. Catherine the disgusting
3. Desiree
4. Lindsay, smoking hot

Sent Home

1. Tierra the Tierrible Tierrorist
2. Lesley

In week 7 we get to meet the chicks’ families and the previews highlight one of their brothers ready to kick Sean’s ass… because that’s what you do when you meet someone new… on national television.  

WEEK 5 (PART 2) - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Date #1: Catherine

Wore onesies, drank hot chocolate and played in the snow.  No they’re not 4 years old, they’re just stupid. 

Group Date:

The chicks canoe to some crappy beach and then take the Polar Plunge.  Lesley M. wins an award for most smoking hot body in a bikini.  Broads half naked and screaming… best date yet!  Tierra causes drama again and although it may have been serious this time, people really don’t care.  It’s getting old.  The fact that she’s still around means Sean loves playing the knight in shining armor role and loves saving the damsel in distress.  Later that night, Lesley M. talks about Tierra and says, “Watch your back. We have a Tierrorist on our hands.”  Lesley M. wins a second award for creativity!  Sean gifts the rose to Lesley M. on their group date explaining they have “turned a corner”.

Sean randomly sends home Sarah, the amputee because he’s not feeling it.  It’s amazing she’s lasted this long if you ask me.

Date #2: Desiree

Rappelling down some mountain or some shit to a picnic.  They do seem to enjoy one another’s company.  I like Desiree but not as much as Lesley M. or Lindsay.

Before the rose ceremony:

Holy freakin crap!  Lindsay spends some one on one time with Sean and tells him that she’s not going to kiss him… although she badly wants to.  This is probably the hottest things a girl could ever do to a guy.  Her playfulness was such a freakin turn-on.   They tried to talk but she continued giggling because she badly wanted to kiss him, which she eventually begged Sean to do.  Plus she sleeps naked.  Unbelievably hot. 

AshLee gave Sean some story about having to control everything.  Then she gave him a blindfold that signified giving Sean control.  So 50 shades of gray later, he makes out with her with the blindfold on.  Someone admitting to having control issues might not make the best long-term mate.

Selma brings shame to her family by kissing Sean on national television… which she does for nothing considering he dumped her.

Who’s left:

1. AshLee F.
2. Catherine
3. Tierra the Tierrible Tierrorist
4. Desiree
5. Lesley M.
6. Lindsay, smoking hot

Sent Home

1. Sarah, the amputee
2. Daniella
3. Selma

Sean and his remaining bachelorettes head to the St. Croix Virgin Islands where apparently there’s even more Tierra drama.  I know.  Shocking.  Lesley M. and Lindsay are my top two right now.

WEEK 5 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

This episode five was probably the tensest one of The Bachelor 2013 so far.  Sean sent home more than one woman, leaving behind one woman who everyone else thinks is completely wrong for him.  It's starting to sound a lot like when Bachelor Ben Flajnik was blindsided by Courtney Robertson.

  

Date #1: Lindsay

Lindsay is quickly becoming a favorite.  They hit it off all night and once again assures everyone that she’ll probably win. 

  

Group Date:

On the group date, the broads were broken into two teams as they took on some white trash relay race.  The red team (Selma, Desiree, Robyn, and Sarah) won while the blue team (Ashlee, Catherine, Lesley M., and Daniella) was sent home.  Sean feels bad and invited the blue team to the cocktail party anyway despite having lost the competition which of course pissed everyone off.  Unfortunately the chicks did not find out Tierra crashed the group date cocktail party. But Daniella did end up getting a rose after her crying spell.  Girls are figuring out that if you play a victim, you get a rose.

  

Date #2: The dreaded 2 on 1 date with Tierra the Tierrible and Jackie, Fuck-Me-Eyes

Tierra dominates the whole thing as always and leaves Jackie in the dust which is just stupid.

  

Before the rose ceremony:

Robyn ultimately confronts Tierra and the altercation turns out to be the first time Sean Lowe finally sees a glimpse of her true colors. You would think this might set off alarms in his head, but no such luck. Other broads, including Desiree, Lesley H. and Jackie also try to warn Sean of Tierra’s dramatic personality but to no avail.

  

Who’s left:

1. AshLee F.
2. Selma
3. Daniella,
4. Catherine
5. Tierra the Tierrible
6. Desiree
7. Sarah, the amputee
8. Lesley M.
9. Lindsay, smoking hot

 Sent Home

1. Jackie, fuck-me-eyes
2. Robyn, the black chick

WEEK 4 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Date #1: Selma

Sean takes Selma rock climbing in some desert or some shit. Selma naturally hates heights and heat.  After dinner in a white trash trailer park, Selma explains why she can’t kiss him and it’s because she’s Muslim and worships Satan or something. Sean acts like this is a turn on but let’s be honest, she can’t last if he’s Mr. Family and her mom didn’t want her to be on the show.  

 Group Date:

Roller derby plans go awry when Amanda takes a spill.  Sean is concerned when he learns she may have hurt her jaw because this obviously puts a damper on future oral endeavors.

  

Date #2: Leslie H.

Leslie H. is completely disgusting looking.  I mentally tuned out to their entire date.  She makes me want to vomit.  Fortunately, he didn’t find a romantic connection and sent her home.

  

Before the rose ceremony:

The girls coined the nickname for Tierra which was just fantastic. -Tierrible

  

Who’s left:

1. AshLee F.
2. Jackie, fuck-me eyes
3. Selma
4. Daniella,
5. Catherine
6. Robyn, the black chick
7. Tierra the Tierrible
8. Desiree
9. Sarah, the amputee

10.  Lesley M.

11.  Lindsay, smoking hot

Sent Home

1. Lesley H.
2. Amanda 

Next week The Bachelor will be on Monday AND Tuesday.

WEEK 3 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Week 3 of The Bachelor - Tierra does a face plant into the stairs, Kacie screwed up in a major way, Lesley M. is probably going to win the whole thing, Lindsay is hot, and Amanda is still creepy.

Date #1: Lesley M.

Sean takes Lesley M. to the Guinness World Records on Hollywood Boulevard in hopes to beat the record for longest on-screen kiss, which they do by a few seconds. Having to watch this for over 3 minutes was awkward at best because I didn’t consider that a real kiss.  They followed the rule which was that their lips could not come apart but that means they totally could have used tongue that entire time… which they did not do. They end their date atop the Roosevelt Hotel and naturally continue kissing. I think Lesley M. admitted that Sean makes her labia tingle.  That could have been my imagination though.

Group Date:

The broads were divided into two beach volleyball teams and the winner got to spend the rest of the evening with Sean.  Lindsay (purple bikini) might be the hottest chick ever.  She could even admit that she’s an emetophile (someone who feels immense sexual pleasure from the witnessing the act or sound of puking. Said person may also become extremely turned on by puking, or being puked on)  and Sean should STILL pick her.  When they were making out later that night, Lindsay was biting Sean’s lip and wrapping her hands around his head and she was just so fucking into it.  She could have puked in his mouth right then and there and Sean STILL should pick her.  Passionate.  Smokin hot.  A keeper.  And Lindsay gets the group date rose for obvious reasons.

Kacie’s “foot-in-mouth” moment happened when she felt it would be good to tell Sean there was drama taking place between Desiree and Amanda. The highlight of the conversation was when Sean said, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I'm seeing.”

In between the dates, Tierra falls down the stairs and girls are questioning whether or not it was intentional.  Sean sits with her on the couch and Tierra’s vagine is almost hanging out of her white shorts which makes it all worth it.

Date #2: AshLee

Six Flags Magic Mountain – Sean invites two dying chicks as some charitable shit or something. The chicks suffer from pain and fatigue which made me laugh out loud cause they’re at a fucking theme park.  Sean and AshLee have to pretend like they give a shit for the rest of the date.  Their day ends with a private concert by some band playing shitty country music.  So I wasn’t an AshLee fan at first and don’t find her attractive at all but seeing Sean’s reaction (tears) to her story about her abusive childhood and her positive outlook, it may have changed my mind about her.  The clincher was when she said to the camera,  “I’ve already opened up to Sean more than I have with anyone in my life, and now my heart is in his hands, to hold and nurture and take care of, and for me to place that into his hands willingly… I never thought that would happen, but here I am.”

Before the rose ceremony:

Sean surprises Sarah the amputee by letting her visit with her dog. That was pretty bad ass. I did not like how Sean wouldn’t finish the conversation with Kacie B.  Two girls came over to interrupt and he welcomed them with open arms.  Kacie B. deserved more than that.  Fortunately, before he handed out his first rose he pulled her to the side to personally explain how he felt.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t in her favor.

Who’s left:

1. AshLee F.
2. Jackie, fuck-me eyes
3. Selma
4. Lesley H.
5. Daniella,
6. Catherine
7. Robyn, the black chick
8. Tierra
9. Amanda, psycho
10. Desiree
11. Sarah, the amputee
12. Lesley M.
13. Lindsay, smoking hot

Sent Home

1. Kacie B
2. Kristy, Model
3. Taryn, Health Club Manager

Oh and finally, Jackie has fuck-me eyes.  She might just be hotter than Lindsay.  I’d probably send everyone home except for these two although I still think Lesley M. (date 1) will still be there in the end.  Fuck. Me. Eyes.

WEEK 2 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Week 2 of The Bachelor starts off once again with Sean with his shirt off.  No surprises here.  This is the first week where Sean starts the single and group dates.

Date #1: Sarah the amputee

Sean picks Sarah up in true Bachelor fashion with a helicopter. Sarah gives the camera some monologue about how everything is falling into place and she’s ready to fall in love… and it’s only date number 1.  She is also still talking about how she only has one hand.  Sean takes her to the top of some building or some shit they free fall 300 feet.   I think Sarah looks and sounds like she’s stoned 24/7.  Very slow speech and droopy eyes.  Sarah expresses how she’s only had one serious relationship and I think that speaks volumes. Sean obviously gave her a rose to avoid public backlash because of her mental and physical condition.  They shared a kiss that looked awkward at best.  It’s nice that Sean’s nice to retarded people.  

Group Date:   

 Sean takes 13 broads to a a sexy photo shoot for “Harlequin Romance Novels”.  Lesley M. gets the first kiss and she’s showing the most amazing midriff. Tierra steals the second kiss of the day and also starts getting blasted by the other chicks.  Kristy’s dance scene moves on Sean caught the photographer’s attention which won her a three-cover deal. She is a professional model so although I shouldn’t be surprised, she is not remotely attractive.  They retire to a pool party and Sean expresses interest in Lesley M.  She steals him away for a second time to kiss him.  Good move.  She should have stolen him for a third time for a handy.  Katie feels out of her element and decides to go home.  When telling Sean, he doesn’t ask her to stay which I found funny.  Kacie B. gets the rose.

Date #2: Desiree

Any Bachelor fan will remember when Sean pulled a prank on Emily Maynard during their home date visits which left the single mom thinking he was a major slob living at home with his parents.  This time, Sean let Desiree believe they were visiting a museum with very pricey art. At one point Desiree is left alone in the room and the “most expensive” piece falls to the floor and shatters.  Later that night, Sean pretends to cook the steak that most likely some producer cooked. He tells Desiree that she has everything he’s looking for, like a vagina and breasts or something.  I’d hate to make a prediction this early, but she might make it to the final two.

Before the rose ceremony:

Amanda turns out to be the freak of the night by ignoring everyone. Robyn questions whether or not Sean is even attracted to black females. Is anyone else fascinated by how the black chick talks about how she’s black and the amputee talks about how she’s an amputee?

Who’s left:

1. AshLee F., Professional Organizer
2. Jackie, Cosmetics Consultant
3. Selma, Real Estate Developer
4. Lesley H., Poker Dealer
5. Daniella, Commercial Casting Associate
6. Taryn, Health Club Manager
7. Catherine, Graphic Designer
8. Robyn, the black chick
9. Tierra, Leasing Consultant
10. Amanda, Fit Model
11. Desiree, Bridal Stylist
12. Sarah, the amputee – saved on the first date
13. Lesley M, Political Consultant
14. Kristy, Model
15. Lindsay, Substitute Teacher
16. Kacie B. from Ben’s season – Saved on the group date

Sent Home

1. Brooke, Community Organizer
2. Diana, mother of two
3. Katie, Yoga Instructor – left on her own

WEEK 1 - The Bachelor 2013 (Sean)

Welcome to the sensitive, heartfelt, unbiased, and politically correct recap of The Bachelor 2013 with Sean Lowe. Each week I’ll give you the breakdown on the couple’s dates, who got a rose, who was sent home, and who might win the heart of Emily Maynard’s almost fiancé.  This year the show begins with a million shots of Sean with his shirt off.  Let me just say that my chest looks exactly like his… except my tits aren’t muscle, they’re flab and sag lower than Oprah’s and I have blotchy hair that’s as coarse as Tom Selleck’s mustache in the ‘80s.  But besides that, we look identical.  Sean gets advice from past Bachelorette contestant Arie which was completely disturbing and I was waiting for them to make-out which unfortunately never happened.

Next Sean meets the broads and breaks the rules on day one by giving out roses left and right.  The first rose he gives is to Tierra right out of the limo after she says only one sentence.  That’s right, she was that hot.  Other note-worthy entrances included Jackie putting red lipstick on and kiss Sean’s cheek.  This was a pretty annoying move but she’s unbelievably hot so she can pretty much do whatever she wants.  Daniella made Sean do some stupid handshake but she looks like she needs to be motorboated so it’s okay.  Kelly sings Sean a song.  Her voice was nice but her face looked like the Elephant Man.  Ashley P, the one obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey and pulls some long cloth out of her tits.  I suppose it has some symbolism or some shit.  Robyn tries to do fucking back kick walkovers and fails on the second one.  Lesley brings a football and makes Sean stay bent over while she runs the longest play that never happens.  Pretty good move to check out his ass.  Ashley H. calls Sean Ken and then calls herself Barbie which is fucking ridiculous because she’s black and we all know that Barbie, Santa, and Jesus aren’t black.  Of course none of them are real so it doesn’t matter.  Lindsay comes out in a wedding dress and Sean has to pretend he’s not creeped out. Then comes Kacie B from Ben’s season! I sort of hoped Sean would have just said that the show was over and that he’d run away with her right there. She’s a familiar face that probably makes the process easier. She’s sweet, kind, and beautiful… which means she probably won’t last on the show.

Sean hands out 12 roses total before the ceremony even begins. We didn’t get to see most of the conversations which was disappointing.  Sean could have nailed Lindsay the wedding dress chick toward the end of the night cause she was drunk out of her mind asking for kisses.  He should have bent her over the couch right then and there.  She did use the word “balls” twice and in my book, if you use the word balls or variation thereof, and you’re drunk and hot, you should probably just get banged. Ashley P., the 50 Shades whore is obnoxiously drunk dancing and no one cares. Sarah the amputee is justifiably paranoid about her missing limb but is reassured when Sean gives her a rose. But let’s be honest here… Out of 26 girls he has 4 blacks and 1 amputee.  He can’t fucking get rid of any of them without looking like a racist or an ass.  And Sarah’s face looks like she’s 50 when the text said she’s 26 and she told Sean she’s 25. Bizarre. 

Here are the remaining 19 chicks who are left after the 1st rose ceremony, in the order of their arrival:

1. AshLee F., Professional Organizer
2. Jackie, Cosmetics Consultant
3. Selma, Real Estate Developer
4. Lesley H., Poker Dealer
5. Daniella, Commercial Casting Associate
6. Katie, Yoga Instructor
7. Taryn, Health Club Manager
8. Catherine, Graphic Designer
9. Robyn, Oilfield Account Manager
10. Tierra, Leasing Consultant, flipped the fuck out when she heard Sean was the bachelor
11. Amanda, Fit Model
12. Desiree, Bridal Stylist – gets a rose after first conversation
13. Sarah, Advertising Executive, amputee
14. Brooke, Community Organizer
15. Diana, Salon Owner, mother of two
16. Lesley, Political Consultant
17. Kristy, Model
18. Lindsay, Substitute Teacher
19. Kacie B. from Ben’s season

Sent Home

Ashley H., the Southern Bell

Ashley P., the 50 Shades whore

Kelly, the singing Elephant Man

Keriann, Roadtrip girl

Lacey, who gave Sean a piece of lace which obviously didn’t work

Lauren, the Italian restaurant broad

Paige, the former Bachelor Pad contestant

Upcoming episode scenes highlight Tierra as she shows two different sides to her personality, one to the girls and one to Sean, much like Courtney did on Ben’s season which could prove to be kick ass.

So how do you think “The Bachelor” 2013, Sean Lowe handled himself?  Do you think he made the right choice in keeping Kacie B. and does he really give a shit about Sarah the amputee or did he just save her to avoid public backlash?