WEEK 10 THE FINALE - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

The Bachelorette 2013 season with Desiree Harstock, AKA Des, came to an end August 5, as Des chose the man with whom she wants to spend the rest of her life.

The show begins with Desiree still feeling crushed that Brooks is gone and that devastation has made her reevaluate how she feels about the last two guys. She requests that she have one more date with each of them before they meet her family.

Final date with Drew - Drew begins to enjoy his final date with Des but it doesn't take her long to drop the bomb of letting him go.  Des has thrown out the Bachelorette playbook as she could have had both guys meet her family. Similarly, the last Bachelorette Emily sent her runner up home before the guys had a chance to pick out rings.

Before the last date with Chris, we get to watch Des get out of bed and get ready.  Enjoy this sequence and feel free to touch yourself.

Final date with Chris - Apparently two weeks have passed since her heartbreak from Brooks.  On Chris's final date, he showed a friendlier goofier side of himself.  Maybe he was always like this and I just didn't notice with the other guys in the running, but it seems that Chris wouldn't be a bad choice.  Chris goes on a date and meets her family all the while assuming Drew is still in the game.  Here are some more pictures to remind us of how lucky Chris is, because Des is so fucking hot.

The climax of the finale, besides when I paused the show on Desiree's ass to beat off, was when Chris attempted to get down on one knee and Des pulled him back up.  She wanted him to know that she was so blindsided by her own feelings towards Brooks that she was unable to see that Chris was everything that she was looking for.  In other words, he's second best.  But Chris was alright with that and got on one knee anyway.

After the Final Rose - We got a chance to see some old favorites as well as Catherine the disgusting.  Here's Catherine looking just as gross as ever.

Jackie, aka Fuck Me Eyes

Titties McMammaries

And last but not least, Lindsay, the girl who Sean sent home so that he could be with Catherine the disgusting.  Even when Sean found out Lindsay sleeps naked, he still sent her home, leading us to believe that Sean in indeed no more evolved than Drew's mentally challenged sister.

And the next Bachelor is... Chris Harrison announced that Juan Pablo will be the next Bachelor airing January 2014.

WEEK 9 - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

Monday July 29th was fantasy suite week where Des gets to spend the night with each dude without the camera crew.  Unfortunately, the ending was heartbreaking to watch and I have now lost all hope for Des having a happy vagina.

Dude #1: Drew - While in Antiqua, wherever the hell that is, the couple attended some outdoor festival with the scary natives that if it weren't for the cameras, would probably have raped both Drew and Des, repeatedly.  

Des read Drew the fantasy suite card and Drew accepts, because he is heterosexual.  

Dude #2: Chris - Des takes Chris in a helicopter flying over... I have no idea.  I couldn't stop looking at her cleavage.  

Even though Chris is secretly gay, he accepted the fantasy suite to fool the audience.  He gives away his sexual preference though, once he starts reading his latest poem to Des.

While Des gets ready for her date with Brooks, she expresses how if Brooks proposed to her today, she'd yes in a heartbeat.  Brooks is clearly the frontrunner.  And Des is clearly hot as fuck.

Unfortunately, Books talked to Chris Harrison and worked out what he was feeling.  He wants to see Des as soon as possible.  Before that, Brooks even took a trip back home to talk to his mom and sister about how he's feeling.

Brooks telling Desiree that he isn't in love with her and that he's leaving was one of the most excruciating breakups to ever air on television and now I could care less who wins.

Does anyone even care who wins at this point?  Des was obviously going to pick Brooks from the beginning and now that he's gone, if she does choose someone, it'll just be second best.  Drew somehow almost made it to the age of 30 by never loving anyone.  That just screams trouble.  And Chris is an angry closet homosexual who will end up meeting some guy at a poetry slam 5 years from now. 

Who's left

Drew, retarded sister

Chris, closet homosexual

WEEK 8 - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

Week 8 was the week for hometown dates and it did not disappoint!

Zak - Zak surprises Des right off the bat by driving up in a fucking snow cone truck and tells the camera, "She's going to be an employee of the family snow cone business."  They're quickly bombarded with children.  While Des attempts to serve them all, Zak runs down the street in a penguin costume.  

So they finally go in to meet Zak's family and holy shit... Zak's sister is smokin hot!  Who would have thought that someone related to him would be so fuckable?  I was hoping that Des would have dumped Zak and just started making out with his sister.  Or at the very least, Des could have said, "Listen, I know Zak is in the next room, but would you mind if I tasted your pussy?"  Or maybe they could have done a 3-way.  

Anyway, Zak's brother and sister sing her some shit song that he wrote about how she fits in their family.  It was just awful.  Zak later told Des that he loves her.  It's gonna be pretty crushing when he gets sent home. 

Drew - The day starts off with a bang when we get to meet Drew's retarded sister.  Remember back in the day, when it was acceptable to make fun of retarded people?  Remember the sounds you would make when imitating them?  This is EXACTLY what she sounded like.  Unbelievable.  She is 100% dependent on others.  Has to be fed and bathed and no one actually knows what she's ever thinking or feeling.  She really should be the poster child for abortion.  I mean let's be honest.  Who wants to deal with that shit?  Why don't you see animals in the wild who are this retarded?  Because the mother eats them.  She knows better and ends their shitty life before it begins.  Take note humans.  We really need to kill more babies especially when we know this will be their existence.  Cells don't always come together the proper way and it's our responsibility to vacuum them out and start over.  But Chad, you might say, isn't it God's will for that child to be born that way?  To that I say, if there were a god, he made us smart enough to create the technology that allows us to determine whether or not cells come together the right way so if we detect a problem, we can destroy it and try again.  Of course god isn't real so that argument is a waste of time either way you look at it.  If Drew lasts beyond the rose ceremony I will be completely shocked.  Later on Drew tells Des that he loves her and Drew's dad tells Des that she's met an angel, meaning Drew's retarded sister.  Clearly Drew's father is in denial and besides, he has a shitload of money and doesn't have to be the one to take care of that mess anyway so he can say whatever he wants to make himself look like a hero.  We all know better.

Chris - Chris shows Des the park in which he grew up playing baseball.  He made Des play catch and once she hit a couple balls, he started going crazy.  He was so turned on to see Des dressed like a man hitting balls.  I don't think I have to say it.  But I will.  If Des chooses Chris, it's inevitable that he will ask her to wear a strap-on to fuck him in the ass.  So Des meets his fam and Chris's dad starts working on her back cause he's some back specialist or some shit.  When he talks to Chris, he's doing some nose-blowout thing where we get to see drippings from Chris's nose.  Isn't this show fantastic?!

Brooks - This whole segment was focused around Brooks letting down his walls.  He seems the most distant out of all the guys but that makes him the most realistic too.  He's the only guy who hasn't said "I love you" to Des.

Desiree's piece of shit brother Nate - Des met with her brother, who fucked up her chances with Sean last season.  Unfortunately it was anticlimactic and he seems to be more relaxed this time around.  Hopefully this isn't the last we'll see of him though.

To my surprise, Zak was sent home this week.  I really fucking hate Chris and Drew has too much baggage.  I really hope Zak will be the next bachelor, but they might go with someone attractive instead.

Who's left?

WEEK 7 - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

Desiree takes the dudes to Portugal in the episode which aired on ABC the night of July 8th and we actually get some honest answers about how she's feeling.

The show begins with Des meeting up with 3 of the wet slits from Sean's season, Fuck-Me-Eyes Jackie, Lesley, and Catherine the disgusting who was looking just as gross as ever.  They asked questions about the guys and we learned that Des thinks Drew is the best kisser and has the best body which I'm sure comes into play with her decision.  Catherine the disgusting kept asking questions and every time she laughed I fantasized about what I would do if she were my girlfriend... which consisted of continually punching her in the face.  

Date #1: Brooks - In Portugal, Des takes Brooks to some mountain or some shit above the clouds.  They discuss what life would be like together after the show and Des tells the camera that she's falling in love.  Brooks is still the shit and I believe I called him being a front runner from the beginning.

Date #2: Chris - Oh holy shit.  While having a picnic near the Atlantic or some shit, Chris gets out a bottle and paper and suggests that the two of them write a poem together and throw it out to sea.  I hope to god Des gets rid of Chris soon.  He was a prick to James for no reason and let's not forget when he volunteered to wear high heels.  Then at dinner, he tells Des he loves her through another shitty poem that had the worst cadence ever.

Date #3: Michael - Michael is just as much of a piece of shit as Chris is but I think I hate Michael the most.  He threw Ben under the bus AND James and just got in unnecessary fights with the guys.  He's just a slimy douche.  Anyway, they take a toboggan down some street or some shit and we have to listen to Michael talk about his connection with Des that no one cares about because he sucks.  

Two-On-One Date with Shirtless Zak and Drew

While on some go-kart track, we get to watch Desiree's tittles flop in the wind.  Zak shared his love with painting recounting their journey together thus far.  Drew also expressed how he's never felt the way he feels about her with another.  

After a little one-on-one time with each guy, she ended up giving Drew the rose which was the only rose for this week.

Before the rose ceremony:

Des flat out admits to Chris Harrison that she is in love with Brooks and falling for Chris.  I believe Desiree is the first in Bachelor Nation to say that they love someone before the proposal!

Des hands roses to everyone but Michael the piece of shit!  I'm not gonna lie.  I cheered when she called the last name.  And by the way, who the hell thought Shirtless Zak would make it this far???  Goofy looking bastard.  When  Michael leaves in the limo, he calls his mom and asks why this keeps happening to him.  Oh I don't know Michael, maybe because you have to call your mommy when things don't go your way you fucking pansy.  

Next week are the hometown dates and we get to see Desiree's worthless brother again!

Sent home: Michael (piece of shit)

Who's Left?

WEEK 6 - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

During the Spain episode which aired Monday, July 1, Des ended up sending three guys home in which were absolutely the wrong choices!

Date #1 Drew - Walking the streets of Barcelona, Drew tells some serious story about his dad who was a recovering alcoholic that now has cancer.  

Everything was pretty serious until in the middle of dinner, Drew just gets up and says, “Let’s go.”  He takes Des to some deserted ally or some shit and just starts making out with her.  Desiree tells the camera that she sees Drew in a totally different light now… and that she had an orgasm (probably).  After getting the rose and a nice drink from Des squirting, Drew felt safe enough to tell her about the conversation he overheard on the last group date where James said if things don't work out with Des, he wonders what the odds are of becoming the next bachelor.  

Group Date – The guys have to play against Desiree’s team of girls… which means the whole time we have to hear about how macho they are and how they’re going to win because they’re men.  If I were Des, I would have sent them all home for being ignorant assholes. And also if I were Des, I’d probably shove all kinds of things into my vagina just to say that I did it like a wooden spoon, sticks from the yard, a dog’s nose, etc.   Obviously the women were professionals and kicked the guys’ asses.

Later, Des pulls Chris aside and just listening to their banter makes me really lean toward Chris winning this whole thing.  Then Des pulls out a poem that she wrote about Chris which only proves that she’s been thinking about him when he’s not around.  The poem wasn't terrible either.

Meanwhile, Michael, Kasey, and Chris confront James which was fucking stupid because obviously all James did was have a logical conversation about "what if" and the guys are too fucking stupid to understand it.  Kasey just seems like a piece of shit.  He tells the camera that James is irrational for getting defensive and he’s just trying to protect the one he cares about.  What a puss.  Michael seems very angry to me.  We first saw it when he threw Ben under the bus and now he's lashing out at James when he didn't even hear anything from James' mouth personally.  Des doesn't hand out the group date rose cause she wants to spend her time talking to James.  

After the two talk, Des leaves conflicted because she trusts the douche bags who told her about James, and she trusts James too.  Back at the house the guys are gloating about how there's no way he's staying after all of this and then James walks in and says two words, "Gentlemen, goodnight."  Fantastic.  Later James talks to Drew and Drew also beats up on James because he can't understand why James would even think of "what if."  Drew is just as retarded as angry-Michael and Kasey-the-douche.  This is such a non-issue.

Date #2 Shirtless Zak - The couple take an art class with a nude male model.  Naturally, Zak takes his clothes off too.  Unfortunately for him, Des just bursts out into laughter.  She probably should have just fucked him right there.  They drew each other and Zak's drawing of Des looked like a Satanic porcelain doll.  Later at dinner in some cave or some shit, we learn a little more about Zak.  I wasn't a fan before this date and I still think he looks goofy as hell, but he does seem like someone that'll be her best friend... which could be good or bad.

Cut to the rose ceremony and she actually sends James home.  This is such horseshit.  He got bullied for no reason.  I just don't get how fucking stupid these guys are.  They show Juan Pablo's goodbye and I'm left hoping that he's the next bachelor. They don't even show Kasey's goodbye probably because he's a douche.

Sent home: Kasey the douche, Juan Pablo, James

Who's left?