Welcome to the sensitive, heartfelt, unbiased, and politically correct recap of The Bachelor 2013 with Sean Lowe. Each week I’ll give you the breakdown on the couple’s dates, who got a rose, who was sent home, and who might win the heart of Emily Maynard’s almost fiancé. This year the show begins with a million shots of Sean with his shirt off. Let me just say that my chest looks exactly like his… except my tits aren’t muscle, they’re flab and sag lower than Oprah’s and I have blotchy hair that’s as coarse as Tom Selleck’s mustache in the ‘80s. But besides that, we look identical. Sean gets advice from past Bachelorette contestant Arie which was completely disturbing and I was waiting for them to make-out which unfortunately never happened.
Next Sean meets the broads and breaks the rules on day one by giving out roses left and right. The first rose he gives is to Tierra right out of the limo after she says only one sentence. That’s right, she was that hot. Other note-worthy entrances included Jackie putting red lipstick on and kiss Sean’s cheek. This was a pretty annoying move but she’s unbelievably hot so she can pretty much do whatever she wants. Daniella made Sean do some stupid handshake but she looks like she needs to be motorboated so it’s okay. Kelly sings Sean a song. Her voice was nice but her face looked like the Elephant Man. Ashley P, the one obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey and pulls some long cloth out of her tits. I suppose it has some symbolism or some shit. Robyn tries to do fucking back kick walkovers and fails on the second one. Lesley brings a football and makes Sean stay bent over while she runs the longest play that never happens. Pretty good move to check out his ass. Ashley H. calls Sean Ken and then calls herself Barbie which is fucking ridiculous because she’s black and we all know that Barbie, Santa, and Jesus aren’t black. Of course none of them are real so it doesn’t matter. Lindsay comes out in a wedding dress and Sean has to pretend he’s not creeped out. Then comes Kacie B from Ben’s season! I sort of hoped Sean would have just said that the show was over and that he’d run away with her right there. She’s a familiar face that probably makes the process easier. She’s sweet, kind, and beautiful… which means she probably won’t last on the show.
Sean hands out 12 roses total before the ceremony even begins. We didn’t get to see most of the conversations which was disappointing. Sean could have nailed Lindsay the wedding dress chick toward the end of the night cause she was drunk out of her mind asking for kisses. He should have bent her over the couch right then and there. She did use the word “balls” twice and in my book, if you use the word balls or variation thereof, and you’re drunk and hot, you should probably just get banged. Ashley P., the 50 Shades whore is obnoxiously drunk dancing and no one cares. Sarah the amputee is justifiably paranoid about her missing limb but is reassured when Sean gives her a rose. But let’s be honest here… Out of 26 girls he has 4 blacks and 1 amputee. He can’t fucking get rid of any of them without looking like a racist or an ass. And Sarah’s face looks like she’s 50 when the text said she’s 26 and she told Sean she’s 25. Bizarre.
Here are the remaining 19 chicks who are left after the 1st rose ceremony, in the order of their arrival:
- AshLee F., Professional Organizer
- Jackie, Cosmetics Consultant
- Selma, Real Estate Developer
- Lesley H., Poker Dealer
- Daniella, Commercial Casting Associate
- Katie, Yoga Instructor
- Taryn, Health Club Manager
- Catherine, Graphic Designer
- Robyn, Oilfield Account Manager
- Tierra, Leasing Consultant, flipped the fuck out when she heard Sean was the bachelor
- Amanda, Fit Model
- Desiree, Bridal Stylist – gets a rose after first conversation
- Sarah, Advertising Executive, amputee
- Brooke, Community Organizer
- Diana, Salon Owner, mother of two
- Lesley, Political Consultant
- Kristy, Model
- Lindsay, Substitute Teacher
- Kacie B. from Ben’s season
Sent Home
Ashley H., the Southern Bell
Ashley P., the 50 Shades whore
Kelly, the singing Elephant Man
Keriann, Roadtrip girl
Lacey, who gave Sean a piece of lace which obviously didn’t work
Lauren, the Italian restaurant broad
Paige, the former Bachelor Pad contestant
Upcoming episode scenes highlight Tierra as she shows two different sides to her personality, one to the girls and one to Sean, much like Courtney did on Ben’s season which could prove to be kick ass.
So how do you think “The Bachelor” 2013, Sean Lowe handled himself? Do you think he made the right choice in keeping Kacie B. and does he really give a shit about Sarah the amputee or did he just save her to avoid public backlash?
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