Home town dates were this week! The final four bachelorettes, AshLee, Lindsay, Catherine, and Desiree all welcomed him with open arms. Their families all had mixed reactions.
Date #1: AshLee
AshLee, with two capital letters in her name, takes Sean to her home town of Houston, TX. During dinner her dad, who is a pastor like Sean’s dad, told the story of how they adopted AshLee at the age of 4 after being passed from home to home and it was pretty damn touching. She’s fallen really hard. With her already present abandonment issues, if Sean doesn’t pick her in the end, I predict suicide.
Date #2: Catherine the disgusting
Catherine the disgusting takes Sean to her hometown of Seattle, WA. She makes him do a bunch of annoying shit like catch fish in some scary random seafood market. They took goofy pictures in a photo booth, tried out a love-tester machine, and danced to some homeless guy playing a shitty banjo. I pretty much wanted to punch her in the face the entire time but mostly because her face looks like God threw up on it and her parents passed the appropriate date on when to get an abortion. Had her parents known that she would turn out this way, they probably would have spent a little more time with clothes hangers.
Finally Sean meets the family and specifically, her sisters. I honestly thought that Catherine would look like the leftover afterbirth compared to her siblings but they might have been more disgusting than Catherine. Plus, they were cunts. It was very difficult to watch this segment and not vomit up cream cheese and Doritos. The sisters end up telling Sean all kinds of horrible things about their sister, as if not realizing that Catherine will eventually see this on TV and want to light their thick, coarse, greasy pubic hair on fire afterward. Sean leaves confused which only gives me hope.
Date #3: Lindsay, sleeps naked
Sean visited army brat Lindsay and her family in Fort Leonard Wood, MO. Before meeting the family, Lindsay makes Sean dress in fatigues and commands him to do push-ups and sit-ups. This would have been one of the most ridiculous things ever until we see Lindsay holding Sean’s feet during his sit-ups and when he comes up, he kisses her. Then Lindsay yells, “Kiss me harder!” … yeah, I got chills. God dammit she just knows what to say, that sexy little minx. Her dad on the other hand is a two-star army general and we have to put up with his obsession of proving that he has testosterone with his multiple American flags outside, guns on the wall, and American flag pillows on the couch. Yeah dude, we get it. You have control issues and a small penis. Sorry that I don’t need guns on my walls and flag pillows to take the attention away from my miniscule genitalia… I play in a rock band to do that.
Anyway, dad gives his blessing and before Sean leaves, Lindsay tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him… but she says it in this cutesy, little girl voice, which is so fucking hot. That’s right, and she sleeps naked. If he picks her in the end, he is days away from having her lay beside him completely naked at night. Let’s say, she’s reading a book. All Sean has to do is slowly glide his hand toward her side of the bed until it brushes up against her bare skin, then make it’s way over her flat belly and down her perfectly shaved body until reaching her quivering and awaiting forbidden fruit. With nothing more than a teasing, delicate glide around the outside, Lindsay has no choice but to clench her eyes tight, drop her book and open her legs to Sean. He continues while slowly leaning toward her and gently kisses her neck sending chills down her body, and he knows what he did. He feels the goose bumps beneath his lips with every touch from her ear lobe to her shoulder. The once innocent glide of his left hand turns to firm pressure and he knows his goal is at hand… the goal of hearing her moan in that little-girl voice… So yeah, the date went well.
Date #4: Desiree
In Los Angeles, CA, someone comes to the door professing his love to Desiree. Before Sean knocks him out, Desiree lets Sean know that it was a joke and she hired an actor, which was payback for the prank he pulled on her involving broken priceless art. Sean meets her parents and I gotta say, if her mom is any indication of what Des will look like in the future, Sean should leave now. That woman was a train wreck. So Desiree talks to her brother who has nothing but negative things to say and that’s when I figured it out! The brother is jealous! He wants to be the only guy to slide it deep into his sister! He later tells Sean that he thinks he’s a playboy and doesn’t think that Sean feels anything for his sister (like he does) which pisses Sean off but he keeps his cool.
Rose Ceremony:
Sean struggles with which chick has the worse family, Desiree or Catherine. To my surprise, he sent Desiree home. Now we have to watch another episode with God’s mistake, Catherine.
Who’s Left:
- AshLee
- Catherine the disgusting
- Lindsay, sleeps naked
Sent Home
- Desiree
Next week, Sean and the final three bachelorettes head to Thailand for their overnight dates. I can’t imagine Sean will actually do anything because he’s still pretending to be Christian. Don't miss ABC's “The Bachelor” tomorrow night when “Sean Tells All” airs.
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