WEEK 3 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Date #1 Cassandra - Juan Pablo and Cassandra hopped into a car that turned out to be a fucking boat. And for a guy who grew up on Transformers and MASK vehicles, it goes without saying that I was rock hard. They drove all around the water like ass holes and eventually ended up transferring over to a yacht. After an afternoon of swimming, they ended up who the hell knows where for dinner. The two of them bonded over being parents and having different genitalia. Cassandra got the rose.

Group Date - The group date was a soccer match between the ladies who were instantly wet seeing Juan Pablo in his element. After the game, everyone changed and went back into the stadium for the evening portion of the date. Nikki and Juan Pablo talked about how they were afraid to get hurt and hurt people. She was concerned that she didn’t kiss him. Andi and Juan Pablo hopped over the counter into the snack stand to make-out which was great. But opera singer Sharleen was the best. They got cozy on a blanket down on the middle of the field, in plain sight of the other broads, and started making-out which was just hot as hell. I mean look at these pics! I'm so turned on by a good make-out session and this was just smoldering. However Nurse Nikki was the one who got the rose because she’s also incredibly sexy.

Date #2 Chelsie - Juan Pablo picked Chelsie up for their date and once in the car, Juan Pablo and Chelsie danced and sang the whole way to their date to some mexican bullshit music.  It was terrible and Chelsie must be an amazing actress to act like she gave a shit. Juan Pablo took Chelsie to a small Venezuelan eatery before bungee jumping off a bridge. Naturally Chelsie is afraid of heights but Juan Pablo used his soothing voice to help ease her mind. At one point, he knew he needed reinforcement  and started rubbing his cock against her. Not really. Maybe. In the end, the two jumped, and Chelsie said that was the epitome of building a relationship… and I’m left wondering if she knows what epitome means. Either way, she was wearing short shorts where you could see the pockets hanging out, which might be the hottest thing a girl could ever wear besides yoga pants and snow boots.  Anyway the couple made-out upside down, because why not.  While at dinner Juan Pablo could tell she definitely had maternal instincts so she got the rose. Afterward, Billy Currington performed a private concert. I muted the show because it was country music which is mind numbingly dull.  There may have been dialogue that I missed but who can listen to that shit longer than 2 seconds?

Juan Pablo suggested they cancel the Cocktail Party for later that evening and had a pool party instead. Sharleen ends up kissing him again which is always hot. Clare also talked to Juan Pablo about her feelings and said it wasn’t a jealousy thing, but she wished she was going on dates instead of other women, which is the definition of jealousy. And we learned that Kat’s body is disgusting. And she's kind of cunty so it's fitting.

Sent home – Christy was sent home but no one cares.  

The second to leave the mansion was Lucy. Lucy was a homeless hippy nudist who was always barefoot, and bare feet are so sexy.  Hats off to the producers for making her stick around as long as she did. I’ve been yelled at for not including Lucy in past weeks. You know who you are, so this is for you - Here are some moments in which we’ll never see again.

Next Sunday we have to endure previous bachelor Sean and Catherine the disgusting's wedding.  Catherine looks just as gross as ever and we find out that they still haven't had sex. They claim they’re waiting for marriage. I say Sean’s waiting for Catherine to get a facelift. We also get to watch Sean shop for lingerie, which he’s never done before. I can’t wrap my head around this. How in the hell has he made it this far in life and has never bought lingerie for a chick? And why is he okay waiting this long for sex? Why would anyone deny themselves that kind of pleasure? I mean at the very least he could put a pillow over her head while he fucks her and it would just be an added bonus if she died in the middle of it. Either way, Catherine is fucking disgusting and I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch the whole thing.