WEEK 5 - The Bachelorette 2013 (Desiree)

Week 5 of The Bachelorette aired Monday June 24^th and had a one-on-one date, a group date, and the first dreaded two-on-one date where someone was sent home.

One-On-One Date: Chris

They’re in Munich Germany which means we have to be tortured with accordion music which is just mind numbingly awful.  After we’re further tortured by watching Chris and Des dance around like morons, Bryden shows up to tell Des he’s not feeling a connection and that he’s going home.  Des doesn't seem too shook up and the date continues.

Now they’re in some generically fancy room or some shit for dinner as usual and Chris says that he has a surprise for Des.  It is at this point that I remember that he writes shitty poetry, and yes, we have to hear some.  After rhyming made with make and other horribleness, Des appears to melt and starts making out with Chris.  I’m uncertain whether or not she’s just being nice or if she’s genuinely wet.  Either way, Chris gets to make-out with her so I guess hats off to him.  Randomly Matt White, whoever that is, shows up and starts playing piano which means they’re supposed to dance???  It seemed creepy.  While they danced, Chris starts laughing and Des says, “I can see the little boy in you.” Chris responded, “I’ll put the little boy in you right now if you want.”  Well, that’s what he should have said anyway.

Group Date - The gang heads to some tall mountain or some shit and they’re all having an orgasm about how beautiful it looks.  Then the camera pans out and it’s just a bunch of fucking snow.  Then they hear this old jack ass yodeling which means they had to try it, and all failed miserably.  They were on sleds and had a snowball fight and blah blah blah.  Des was wearing way too much clothing so I zoned out.  They eventually retreat to some igloo that looked like the fortress of solitude where Des spent short bursts of one-on-time with the dudes.  Brooks was first and Des actually interrupted him mid sentence to start making-out with him!  This only proves that Des is a horny little slit that needs sexual attention.  After making out with James, Brooks ended up with the group date rose.  The most fascinating part was when Mikey T. wanted to make a snowman but ended up making a snow penis.  Look at the picture.  It's a fucking penis.

Two-On-One Date: Michael G. & Ben the rapist - Des takes the guys on an icy cold river in a floating hot tub but we don't get to see Desiree's body. Michael uses every opportunity to rip Ben the rapist apart which is awesome but he questions whether or not he went too far.  The shot cuts away to Ben telling the camera that it’s hard to be a  good Christian and bite his tongue… which only makes him more of a douche.  As a complete SHOCK to me, Des actually sends Ben the rapist home and gives Michael G. the rose.

The New Villain - Now that Ben is gone, the show needs a new villain.  Enter James!  A few of the guys overheard him saying some things regarding how he wants to be the next bachelor and how he's using the show for fame and not for Des.  Just when the guys decide they're going to tell Des, she tells the gang that there won't be a cocktail party with one-on-one visits but that they are going straight to the rose ceremony cause she knows what she wants to do.  Naturally she doesn't send James home but next week proves to be kick ass!  She does however send Mikey T. home, most likely because he can't make a fucking snowman to save his life.

Sent home: Bryden, Ben the rapist, Mikey T.

 

Who's left?