WEEK 9 - The Bachelorette 2012 (Emily)

Let me start by saying things are going absolutely as predicted.  I don’t want to say I’m a great judge of character or anything, but I will say I’m probably some sort of god… and not just by the way I can have an orgasm in under a minute… with myself…

In the beginning segment of tonight’s show, Emily writes her name in the sand with a question mark below.  Then the water washes away the question mark leaving Emily’s name by itself.  Is this foreshadowing that she ends up picking no one and will remain alone?  Well the previews for the upcoming finale are leaning toward that theory.  So let’s get into it!

Date #1: Sean

Emily and Sean take a helicopter ride to the beach.  Unfortunately Kalon, the helicopter douche, wasn’t there.  That just would have been fantastic.  Sean shows up for the date once again with loafers with no socks and pink shorts.  And again, I would have sent him home for this reason alone.  While talking in the sand, the conversation came up regarding his feelings toward Emily.  Sean suggests to go snorkeling???  I assume he’s just nervous to tell her that… he’s her brother.  Look at them!  They look the same!  After snorkeling, Sean read to Emily a letter that he wrote to her daughter Rickie.  The handwriting looked curiously like it was written by a woman, probably his other girlfriend.  Emily didn’t seem to care about the feminine handwriting which matched his pink shorts.  He continues to try to tell her how he feels about her.  He actually doesn’t even say it. He reluctantly says, “I’m falling in love with you.”  I don’t think Sean has ever told anyone he loves them.  He kept saying things like, “You know how I feel right?” Great communication skills, douche.  Emily is eating this up and is naturally soaking wet, and not from their previous snorkeling adventure.  When comparing Emily to his previous relationships, he tells her that she “measures up.”  Somehow, Emily thinks this is a compliment.  They hang out in their fantasy suite and Sean wants to stay all night.  Big shock.  Emily chooses not to stay cause she’s a mom and doesn’t want Ricky to someday see her mom being a whore… even though she makes out with multiple strangers on television and gets into a bikini with every guy this episode.  Either way, we predicted this cause she didn’t stay with Brad in his season of The Bachelor.  And for those counting at home, Emily touched her hair 9 times during this segment.      

Date #2: Jef

Some boat ride or some shit.  I don’t even know what river/lake/ocean they’re on.  It’s irrelevant cause Jef is with her.  And Jef kicks ass.  Jef lets Emily know that his family approves of her, which is music to her ears.  Jef asks real questions, like he always does.  He vocalizes his curiosity regarding where they’re going to live, and questions about Ricky.  He gets a bad rap over his age, but he’s more mature than anyone else on the show.  When given the fantasy suite card, Jef tells Emily that he plans on spending every night in their own fantasy suite for the rest of their lives.  He passes, on staying the night because he knows Ricky will watch this someday.  Emily expressed that he beat her to saying everything she was going to say.  They are blatantly made for one another and she sucks if she doesn’t pick Jef.  And again, for those counting, Emily touched her hair 11 times during this segment.

Date #3: Arie

Naturally, they are in swim suites doing something in the water.  This is probably the closest they can get considering Emily never goes in the fantasy suites.  Maybe the real reason she doesn’t stay the night with anyone is because she has saucer nipples and she’s embarrassed.  Arie seems genuinely interested in Ricky as well.  He talks about his typical night which consists of being out to dinner with friends cause he’s so social.  Emily is a homebody which could pose problems.  Plus he’s always gone with his racing.  Let’s be honest, if she picks Arie in the end, it’s because she doesn’t really want a guy at home all the time.  Arie mentions Emily makes him feel like the man of the relationship, whatever the hell that means.  Emily doesn’t even offer the fantasy suite card.  Not sure why.  She says she doesn’t trust herself with him which could be a clue that she’s into him the most… or that she has saucer nipples.  Emily touched her hair 11 times during this segment.

Before the Rose Ceremony

Emily watches the video diaries from the guys.  Sean says I love you… to the video camera but he can’t say it to her in person.  Nothing he says sounds genuine.  Jef on the other hand, sounds genuine as always.  Arie does as well.  Is it bad that I noticed Jef is wearing a black tie and a brown belt in the rose ceremony? 

Who's left?

1. Jef, a guy who spells his name with one f.
2. Arie, a guy who spells his name… well how the hell are you supposed to spell a name like Arie anyway?  Stupid.

Voted off: 

Sean – probably voted off because he might have been her brother… and he was emotionless. Sean is the new Bently (for those who watched the last Bachelorette).  He was talking to the camera on the way home but his face never changed.  He looked like he could care less.  The only disappointment he probably feels is that he wasn’t picked, just for the sake of the game.  For the first time, he’s a loser.  Mr. Perfect at sports, good looking, huge cock, doesn’t have to commit to anyone cause he constantly has chicks offering to blow him, and probably has money cause he really does live with his parents… was finally denied by someone, on national television no less.   

Predictions! 

On the After the Final Rose episode, they will have two big announcements:  1, The wedding date has been set for Emily and Jef, and 2, they will give the due date of Emily’s baby with Arie.  But Jef is fine with it, cause he’s the only one who wanted to be a dad anyway.  Okay, actually all my predictions have come true so far.  We’re down the final two, Jef and Arie.  I’ve been predicting that Arie will go home and she’ll pick Jef.  However, I’m honestly hoping for the opposite.  I hope she picks Arie so that Jef will be the next Bachelor.  Think about it.  A whole episode of Jef and 24 hot chicks!