WEEK 8 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Feb. 25, “The Bachelor” moved along to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates.

Some stuff happened and then there was a rose ceremony. (pictured left)

WEEK 7 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Feb. 17, “The Bachelor” traveled from New Zealand to Juan Pablo’s hometown of Miami.

Date #1 Sharleen - Sharleen has been conflicted since day one, and I think that's why I like her so much, because she's smart.  Every other girl instantly knows that Juan Pablo is the right one for them which should be statistically impossible.  But Sharleen is too logical to not look at every angle.  Aside from her obvious beauty, she's very deep and intelligent and that easily makes her the sexy sexiest girl in the room.  She does feel passion though and gets completely lost in his kiss which makes all logic disappear.  However when she's alone, she's left with her thoughts that could sabotage something great.  The man of her dreams will disappear if she doesn't wait a little longer to see what he'll do.

Date #2 Nikki - Who cares

The next day, Sharleen went to see Juan Pablo and told him she couldn't stay.  A proposal just didn’t seem like it was something possible for her. Sharleen told him she was sorry, and he wiped away her tears and told her it was okay. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen, "Since day one, you caught my attention." "Sharleen, goodbye.  You have my total respect.  You are an amazing girl.  You have to have guts to be honest in this situation." 

Group Date - Who cares

Sent home - Who cares

Goodbye Sharleen.  Although I feel this is a huge mistake, you have to do what's right for you.  This is the final chapter for me.  Thanks for reading everybody.  Please go back and read Week 5 to remember the good times.

WEEK 6 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Feb. 10, The Bachelor moved onto New Zealand, where the women got settled in their suite at the Huka Lodge.

Date #1 Andi - Juan Pablo takes Andi on a boat to some creepy swamp and makes her get out. He leads her down a narrow path between huge rocks.  The water is freezing cold but Andi follows.  She trusts him.  They hear splashing up ahead and finally they reach their destination.  A gorgeous waterfall of warm flowing water is ahead of them.  The sun kisses their skin as they remove every piece of clothing they have on.  Juan Pablo grabs her hand as they make their way holding hands completely naked toward the waterfall.  The pouring water caresses their skin as their faces look upward allowing the water to softly flow down their entire bodies like a blanket.  Juan Pablo pulls Andi closer to him and kisses her so passionately she forgets where she is.  With a firm grasp on her ass, he lifts her up and she wraps her legs around his strong body.  Feeling her warm flesh under the falling water makes him erect and he can't help himself.  Holding her up with one hand, Juan Pablo guides his cock toward her ever waiting slit.  With both hands back on her ass he slowly lowers her onto his cock and her mouth opens wide with eyes closed shut.  Water continues to pour over her head and down her perfect breasts while Juan Pablo fucks her harder and harder.   He lifts her body up and down his shaft with every thrust feeling more intense than the last.  He reaches a point of imminence and explodes inside her.  He fills her up with his cum and holds her tight to catch his breath.  Andi gets down and stands before him with her legs spread.  She begins playing with her pussy watching his cum drip out of her.  She inserts a finger only long enough to get more of his baby batter to rub into her clit as it's the perfect lubrication to make her climax.  Juan Pablo stands behind her and kisses her neck, down her shoulder and arm and back up again.  He feels her begin to shake and hears her moan so he wraps his hands around her throat creating just enough pressure to intensify her orgasm... and she cums hard.  Vigorously massaging his semen into her pussy Andi's legs quiver and give out and she falls into the water.  Juan Pablo holds her high enough so that she doesn't drown until her shaking subsides.  She puts weight on her knees and turns around making her the perfect height to suck the tip of Juan Pablo's sensitive head.  She puts pressure on the base of his cock while sucking with all of her might and then...  I mean... I'm only assuming this happened.  Technically the camera didn't show this part.

Group date with Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra - Juan Pablo takes the chicks "zorbing” and roll down the hillside in large, inflatable balls with some water inside.  Naturally, Juan Pablo made out with many of the chicks inside the ball.

Obviously Kat got a little more attention inside the ball with Juan Pablo as you can tell by this gushing orgasm.

That night, Nikki got some alone time and totally used tongue which was hot, because she's incredibly hot and that's what hot chicks do.  The broads celebrated Cassandra’s birthday, unbeknownst to Juan Pablo. When it came time for the two to talk outside, Juan Pablo was visibly rigid and uncomfortable as Cassandra babbled on about how happy she was to be there and what a genuine, great guy Juan Pablo is. Renee hoped Cassandra would receive the rose if she didn’t, but Juan Pablo instead gave it to Sharleen and asked Cassandra to talk. They went back outside, and Juan Pablo told Cassandra she was going home. 

Date #2 Clare - They hung out in fucking sweat pants.  That was their date.  Sitting around in sweat pants.  They continued their fight about swimming at 4am the other morning and Clare got what she thought was an apology and is happier.  Clare is so fucking annoying.

Sent home: Cassandra, Kat 

WEEK 5 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

On Feb. 3, The Bachelor took Juan Pablo and the remaining 11 broads from South Korea to Vietnam.  Fun fact: My dad killed people over there in the '60s.  You can read all about it in his book called OnPoint - A Rifleman's Year in the Boonies: Vietnam 1967-1968.

Date #1 Renee - Juan Pablo takes the 32 year old single mom out to the shitty streets of some atrocious city in Vietnam.  Once again, they're forced to walk around these random shops and try not to get killed.  They did do some cute shit though like going to a dress store for Renee to get measured for a custom-made dress, which means we get to see some woman handle her breasts, and they picked out gifts for their children.  Renee is obsessed with the fact that she hasn't kissed him but he still refuses because he's thinking of her son's reaction.  She gets the rose.

Group Date - The group date card arrived for Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Claire, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, and Andi, leaving Nikki for the one-on-one date.  In the morning, the chicks met Juan Pablo out along the water and hopped into small bamboo boats to float around in. Clare didn't have a partner, so she shared Juan Pablo’s boat, and the two made-out which pissed everyone off.  They all later had to do their own Vietnamese farming and then eat the shit they picked which had to have been terrible.

Later that night, Juan Pablo immediately took Clare away, and the two ended up at his suite, swimming in the pool.  The others are pissed but it's not entirely Clare's fault.  Juan Pablo is a dick.  

Sharleen and Juan Pablo spent their time down on the beach talking and once again, making-out, and you know how I feel about when they make out...

Juan Pablo also took Andi down to the beach and made out with her before offering Clare the rose.  Clare didn’t want the night to end, so at 4 a.m., she told the house chicks that she was going to bed and made her way back to Juan Pablo’s suite to ask him to swim in the “warm ocean” with her.  I have no idea why they had bathing suites on.  Definitely not as sexual as Ben and Courtney from a few seasons ago.

Date #2 Nurse Nikki - Juan Pablo makes Nikki rappel down the side of a cliff in order to get to the cave below, because he's a cock fuck.  Nikki was scared to death but he makes her anyway.  She tries her best to relate this to her relationship by saying it's a lot like falling in love in that you're trusting the other person, and you also have very little control.  Later at dinner Nikki wears the sexiest little black dress ever and she gets the rose, probably because she's so fuckable.

Juan Pablo told the women he was sending three of them home the moment the Cocktail Party started and then wondered why everyone was so quiet.  Renee finally got her first kiss and maybe now she can stop talking about it.  Clare told Juan Pablo no one knew she snuck out the other night, and Juan Pablo told her it was a little weird for him because he was still getting to know everyone, but “what happened happened already.” He also said he didn’t want his daughter to see what happened and Clare burst into tears.  She said it wasn't her intention to disrespect his daughter.  She just wanted to fuck.

The biggest shock was when Juan Pablo took Sharleen to his room.  "Should we be up here, so far away from the other girls?" she asked.  Juan Pablo replied, "My intentions were to be fair to all of the girls, but all I can think about is holding you."  The couple sat on the bed together having the best of conversation interrupted only by the pizza they had delivered.  After eating a few slices on the bed they decided to turn on a movie and lay together with their legs intertwined.  However their attention was never focused on the TV for long.  The way Juan Pablo caressed Sharleen's arms as they held each other quickly made her lose focus.  He leaned in to kiss her as he's done countless times before, but this time felt different.  He placed his hand just below her cheek and gently kissed her soft lips.  He pulled away to see her eyes clenched so tight only to "come to" and open them revealing Juan Pablo's gorgeous face gazing back at her.  All of a sudden he whispers, "I can't take it anymore" and forcefully makes out with Sharleen.  Her eyes clenched once again but this time with her eyebrows raised in surprise of his sudden burst of passion.  He grabs the bottom of her shirt and lifts it over her head.  His kisses move from her mouth down to her neck and just below her ear while he undoes her bra.  Chills make their way down the left side of her body.  Sharleen feels his strong hands wrapped around her while his kisses move to her shoulder.  She pushes him away long enough to rip his shirt off and the two begin passionately making out again, this time with Sharleen's hands running down Juan Pablo's chest.  He feels her palms glide across his skin as her fingertips retrace.  She begins to unbutton his pants and he can't stop thinking about how happy he is that he bailed on the other girls.  Sharleen reaches his rock hard cock and she doesn't waste any time.  She takes him into her mouth and Juan Pablo can feel the head of his cock on the back of her throat.  Juan Pablo doesn't let this go on for long though.  This night is about her.  He pushes Sharleen to the bed and rips her pants off while kissing her perfect breasts.  His mouth makes it's way down her body til he reaches below her belly button.  He pauses and changes course.  He begins to tease by gently kissing up her thighs and right up to the spot she's silently begging for.  He hovers over it temporarily til she can feel his hot breath directly onto her pussy which makes her muscles tighten up in frustration.  Juan Pablo makes his way back and without any more hesitation, his tongue firmly presses against her clit and Sharleen lets out an incredible sigh.  He continues to make circles with his tongue and grabs her hands.  Her fingers intertwined with his clench tight, then loose, then tight again while he tastes her.  The feel of her bare legs spread before him is only making him harder so he abruptly stops and rises to his knees.  Sharleen's closed eyes open to reveal Juan Pablo holding his hard cock against her pussy.  She feels the head glide up and down and she can't take it anymore.  She grabs him firmly and forces him inside her.  They collectively let out a gasp as he enters her for the first time which is followed by uncontrolled moaning.  Juan Pablo is slow and gentle at first.  With every slow and soft thrust they gaze into each other's eyes staring with intensity.  Juan Pablo's hand slowly make's it's way to Sharleen's clit while he picks up speed and quickly gets her close to orgasm. 

Then all of a sudden he stops.  Everything.  Her eyes open again in shock and he says, "You're not allowed to cum yet."  He then goes down on her once more but the feel of his soft lips wrapped around hers is enough to make her cum.  He continues for no longer than 10 seconds before she erupts.  With one hand holding hers and the other using one finger inside her, Juan Pablo's head is crushed by her thighs as she climaxes harder than she ever has before.  Her legs spasm out of control while he continues to lick her softly and gently with slow circles.  He isn't stopping and she gets no rest.  The orgasm seems like it'll never end and he's enjoying watching her random convulsions. 

After Sharleen realizes where she is, she gets up and rolls Juan Pablo onto his back.  She climbs on top and firmly guides his cock back into her soft pussy.  The sight of her body on top of him makes Juan Pablo crazy.  Her breasts perfectly move as she moves up and down his shaft.  She rides him until his moans become louder... then she stops.  Everything.  He opens his eyes and Sharleen says, "It's not fun when someone stops what they're doing is it!"  She pulls his cock out of her, moves down and wraps her wet lips around it.  Juan Pablo exclaims in a loud exhale, "It wasn't fun at first, but I'm quickly changing my mind!" Sharleen continues to completely clean her pussy off of his dick with her eager mouth.  With her hand on the base, Sharleen pulls her head away to allow her hand to glide up and down his wet shaft in a twisting motion around the head every time she comes up.  She quickly climbs back on top and firmly guides his member right back into her awaiting pussy and continues fucking him faster than ever.  The way she slides back and forth brings Juan Pablo to the edge.  She continues to ride until he says "I'm gonna cum.  We never talked about where I'm supposed to cum."  Sharleen gets off and says, "In my mouth" and her warm mouth invites him back in.  Juan Pablo explodes and she swallows every drop while stroking the base of his cock and gently massages his balls. 

The two lay on the bed completely satisfied and then Juan Pablo begins to massage Sharleen's entire body.  "You're not even real" utters Sharleen.  "Oh I assure you," Juan Pablo responds, "I am very real and I plan on spending this entire night pleasing you." Juan Pablo turns his massage into kissing her body and he makes his way down once again.  Their night of ecstasy lasted for hours and Juan Pablo did exactly what he promised.  After Sharleen's 9th orgasm, Juan Pablo began to go back down for number 10 when he heard Sharleen squeak out, "My vagina is dead.  I am dead." and she completely passes out.

The next morning, the couple got dressed and before leaving the hotel room, Sharleen lay on top of Juan Pablo.  She just stared into his eyes.  She couldn't hold it in any longer.  She's been biting her tongue for too long.  She tells him, "I've felt this for weeks and it's unnatural to stop myself from saying it out loud and I'm not going to do that anymore... I love you."  Juan Pablo's face turns serious.  His eyebrows crinkle as his eyes gaze back with intensity.  He hesitates, not from uncertainty but because he wants to completely soak in what she just said and the unfeigned way she said it.  He takes no more time and while holding her head in his hands, he whispers back, "I love you too."

Sent Home - Kelly, Danielle, and Alli.  It was no surprise that they were let go because we barely knew of them.  However, Juan Pablo cried while sending them home which was shocking.  He's totally fucked in the upcoming weeks.

  

WEEK 4 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Jan. 27, The Bachelor went to Seoul, South Korea. The 13 women were all very excited and screamed as soon as Chris Harrison told them where they were headed, and I have no idea why. It just sounds miserable. Why anyone ever wants to travel is a beyond me.

Group Date #1 - Juan Pablo met the broads for the group date and joined 21, a very popular singing group in Korea compared to the Spice Girls but with less talent and shittier accents. Everyone showed off their dancing abilities (or lack thereof) on stage with the group. Later that night, the girls were painting nurse Nikki out as a negative person. She made the mistake of bringing up how fake Kat is and now she's the bad guy. During some one-on-one time, Nikki admitted that she was out of her element during their dancing before telling Juan Pablo she was ready to become a mom and works around kids all the time.

Juan Pablo later pulled Nikki away and offered her the rose, which pissed everyone else off. After she got the rose, Juan Pablo kissed her and brushed her hair behind her ear which was unbelievably sensual.  You could just feel the butterflies in Nikki's stomach by the way he touched her and I had to pause the show and touch myself.

One-On-One Sharleen - They walked around some flea market in South Korea. They do something like this every season.  The producers think it's a great idea to explore culture and walk around in these dangerous places and try various shitty foods because that's what real life is like apparently.  I have no idea how they were not knocked out, kidnapped and locked into some Korean basement where an obese man who doesn't speak English straps them to opposite walls.  Juan Pablo is awaken by Sharleen's screams while she's being vigorously fucked by a pair of scissors. The man then makes an incision into Juan Pablo and pulls out his intestines and attaches them to a hook. He tells Juan Pablo if he is able to cross the room to the other side (pulling his entire intestines out of his body in the process), take the scissors and cut Sharleen's ropes to release her, both will be finally free... But alas, that doesn't happen.

Anyway, later Juan Pablo makes Sharleen sing Opera for him and then they share another incredibly passionate kiss.  I'm so fucking turned on by the way they kiss.  The way Juan Pablo gently places his hand on the side of her neck just below her cheek, and the way he ends the kiss by softly biting her bottom lip, it totally reminds me... of myself, because I am just that awesome.

They shared similar stories about where they live and how they grew up and Sharleen told him that she feels like he just gets her.  Juan Pablo replied, "I get you. The first day you walked out of the limo I got you." Sharleen said her heart stopped for a second.  Juan Pablo brings up the topic of kids and Sharleen takes the gamble of being honest and saying something he might not want to hear.  Juan Pablo says he appreciates her honesty and gives her the rose anyway... then they start making out again.  That's it.  Show is officially paused.  I'm completely hard.

Group Date #2 - The remaining six chicks met Juan Pablo for a “crazy day in Korea.” Their first stop was a dollhouse-like karaoke place where they had to sing shitty Korean music that no one could understand, followed by a paddleboat ride in some huge ducks or some shit. The group then went for “fish pedicures,” and everyone tried octopus including Clare, who was a big pussy.  Juan Pablo tells the broads that he's not kissing anyone tonight because he doesn't want his daughter to think he's a whore. Naturally, this confuses the chicks cause they know he's kissed at least 6 so far.  He ended up kissing Clare who has been acting extremely possessive the whole date. But Andi got the rose for connecting with him or whatever.

Later, the cocktail party and rose Ceremony were held in some Korean palace where they obviously used to torture blacks and Jews.

Sent home: Lauren (cause she's whiny) and Elise

Who's left?

WEEK 3 - The Bachelor 2014 (Juan Pablo)

Date #1 Cassandra - Juan Pablo and Cassandra hopped into a car that turned out to be a fucking boat. And for a guy who grew up on Transformers and MASK vehicles, it goes without saying that I was rock hard. They drove all around the water like ass holes and eventually ended up transferring over to a yacht. After an afternoon of swimming, they ended up who the hell knows where for dinner. The two of them bonded over being parents and having different genitalia. Cassandra got the rose.

Group Date - The group date was a soccer match between the ladies who were instantly wet seeing Juan Pablo in his element. After the game, everyone changed and went back into the stadium for the evening portion of the date. Nikki and Juan Pablo talked about how they were afraid to get hurt and hurt people. She was concerned that she didn’t kiss him. Andi and Juan Pablo hopped over the counter into the snack stand to make-out which was great. But opera singer Sharleen was the best. They got cozy on a blanket down on the middle of the field, in plain sight of the other broads, and started making-out which was just hot as hell. I mean look at these pics! I'm so turned on by a good make-out session and this was just smoldering. However Nurse Nikki was the one who got the rose because she’s also incredibly sexy.

Date #2 Chelsie - Juan Pablo picked Chelsie up for their date and once in the car, Juan Pablo and Chelsie danced and sang the whole way to their date to some mexican bullshit music.  It was terrible and Chelsie must be an amazing actress to act like she gave a shit. Juan Pablo took Chelsie to a small Venezuelan eatery before bungee jumping off a bridge. Naturally Chelsie is afraid of heights but Juan Pablo used his soothing voice to help ease her mind. At one point, he knew he needed reinforcement  and started rubbing his cock against her. Not really. Maybe. In the end, the two jumped, and Chelsie said that was the epitome of building a relationship… and I’m left wondering if she knows what epitome means. Either way, she was wearing short shorts where you could see the pockets hanging out, which might be the hottest thing a girl could ever wear besides yoga pants and snow boots.  Anyway the couple made-out upside down, because why not.  While at dinner Juan Pablo could tell she definitely had maternal instincts so she got the rose. Afterward, Billy Currington performed a private concert. I muted the show because it was country music which is mind numbingly dull.  There may have been dialogue that I missed but who can listen to that shit longer than 2 seconds?

Juan Pablo suggested they cancel the Cocktail Party for later that evening and had a pool party instead. Sharleen ends up kissing him again which is always hot. Clare also talked to Juan Pablo about her feelings and said it wasn’t a jealousy thing, but she wished she was going on dates instead of other women, which is the definition of jealousy. And we learned that Kat’s body is disgusting. And she's kind of cunty so it's fitting.

Sent home – Christy was sent home but no one cares.  

The second to leave the mansion was Lucy. Lucy was a homeless hippy nudist who was always barefoot, and bare feet are so sexy.  Hats off to the producers for making her stick around as long as she did. I’ve been yelled at for not including Lucy in past weeks. You know who you are, so this is for you - Here are some moments in which we’ll never see again.

Next Sunday we have to endure previous bachelor Sean and Catherine the disgusting's wedding.  Catherine looks just as gross as ever and we find out that they still haven't had sex. They claim they’re waiting for marriage. I say Sean’s waiting for Catherine to get a facelift. We also get to watch Sean shop for lingerie, which he’s never done before. I can’t wrap my head around this. How in the hell has he made it this far in life and has never bought lingerie for a chick? And why is he okay waiting this long for sex? Why would anyone deny themselves that kind of pleasure? I mean at the very least he could put a pillow over her head while he fucks her and it would just be an added bonus if she died in the middle of it. Either way, Catherine is fucking disgusting and I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch the whole thing.